When I moved to Charlotte in June of 2015, the goal of my long distance relationship finally was being accomplished. My boyfriend and I were finally going to be living in the same city after almost two years of dating and living almost seven hours apart. I was anxious to start a new chapter of my life in a new city with
the man I loved. I thought this new life was going to be great. Finally everything
I wanted and prayed for was coming to fruition. Little did I know that God had a different plan for me....
Was the transition hard? Absolutely. I had never left my comfort zone before and the only thing I knew career wise was teaching and education. At 34 years old, I now was about to start a new career in a different industry working a completely different schedule which included weekends and working later days. Leaving my comfort zone which included teaching, my family and friends was extremely difficult. My whole life was about to change. But to me, the sacrifice was worth it. Being able to have random weekly date nights, go to the grocery together, cook dinner, evening workouts, and something as simple as Netflix and chill nights were things I could not wait to do together. After months and months of face time, long phone call conversations, and short weekend trips visiting one another, I was finally going to have the relationship I had always hoped for.
However, the adjustment of a having a long distance relationship to living in the same city was more difficult than I thought. We went from seeing each other once a month for a few days to seeing each other every day. We were both experiencing a lot of transitions and were truly learning about each others personalities.
Thanksgiving Day 2015 was the day I waited for my whole life. I was completely surprised when I finally got asked the question "Will you marry me?" The engagement was perfect, just what I hoped for… simple and private. He knew how much I loved Thanksgiving and the meaning of gratitude tied to it. He surprised me Thanksgiving evening and proposed during our short trip to Dallas for the football game. The ring was absolutely gorgeous and was identical to what I had pinned to my secret board on Pinterest! I was so elated that I finally thought I found the man of my dreams. We couldn't wait to call our family and close friends to share the great news that evening.
I woke up the next morning with this beautiful ring on my finger thinking to myself, "Is this real life? I am engaged to the man I love!" It was so surreal and I was on cloud nine!! Little did I know that feeling would soon end.....
Later that morning, my reality was crushed. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the bathroom drying my hair getting ready to catch a flight back home when I got a notification on my phone. I noticed that it was an Instagram notification from a fitness account. When I first saw the profile username and picture pop up in my direct message inbox, I had no idea why a fitness page was direct messaging me. When I opened the message to read, my stomach instantly sank. It was a female sending me the message on Instagram letting me know that she and my boyfriend were together the previous weekend when I went out of town. That female who messaged me was the girl he had dated prior to me. There is something to be said about a woman's intuition. I always had a feeling there was something between the two of them and my intuition proved to be right in this situation. I had asked him several times to cut all communication with her and he had promised me he had done so. I had blocked her on social media but she had created a fake fitness account and requested me. She had sent me everything I needed to see... pictures, screen shots of text messages, and pictures of them together that weekend during their trip. Pictures don't lie and when I saw the realism of her claims, there was no way to deny any of it. I had gone from an extreme high of happiness to an extreme low instantly. I recall falling over in the bathroom feeling like I wanted to throw up. My whole body was trembling. As I fell on the ground in the bathroom, I laid there looking at this gorgeous ring on my finger and what I thought it symbolized balling my eyes out. I immediately confronted him showing him everything that was sent to me. He confessed to it all. I was devastated. All I kept saying was "Why, Why, Why?" It just did not make sense to me. How could someone do this to someone they loved and why? I did not understand how he was able to do what he did and then propose to me just a few days later. He later told me that he needed to be sure I was the one for him before he proposed. My mind and feelings were all over the place. I had never felt those feelings before and I had no idea how to handle the range of emotions I would instantly start feeling. It was one of the worst feelings I have ever felt.
Immediately after everything happened, I wanted to end the relationship and not move forward with the engagement. I gave him back the ring and refused to wear it. I was so heart broken, literally I had never felt pain like that before. I cried constantly. I felt betrayed and deceived. My world felt like it just came shattering down. I could not even look him in the eyes. There was no way I could tell any of my family or close friends. I knew that if I were ever able to forgive him and move on, it would be harder for my loved ones to forgive him. Fortunately we had a great Christian couple as friends and we did confide in them for advice and encouragement. But that was it. I chose not to tell anyone else.
Despite the hurt and pain
he caused me, I wanted to try to give him
another chance. He and I decided we would attempt to move past the incident and work on our relationship. We both decided to keep what happened
between the two of us and announce our engagement to everyone else. We discussed
that we needed to post something on social media because according to today's
society, it is not real unless it’s on social media (insert smirk face). There
was no way I wanted to show my face in a picture faking happiness and joy when
all I felt was sadness, anger, and resentment. Hence the reason, we decided on
the Starbucks' cups engagement announcement photo.
We both tried to move
forward and work through what happened. I wanted to forgive him and move on,
but the pain I felt was far too great. The trust was gone. I think the worst
thing about being lied to was simply knowing I was not worth the truth. All I
ever wanted was respect, trust, and loyalty. Now that was gone, it felt like our
relationship had fallen apart and there was no way to salvage it.
Keeping our secret from
everyone and fighting to look and act happy was a struggle for us both. The
image we portrayed to everyone in person and on social media was this happy so
in love couple with an amazing life. People would often make comments that we
were their "relationship goals". I saw a meme on Instagram that said
"Some people aren't really all that they post to be." I felt so
convicted. That was us. We were not the couple we posted to be. I pride myself
in integrity and honesty. So living out this lie to everyone most importantly
our family was killing me. No one really knew what was going on behind the
highlight reel we wanted everyone to believe.
After months of multiple
disagreements and fights, the engagement and relationship ended. People were
shocked, especially after they found out the true story. I was still heart
broken and trying to process everything. It was all so surreal at this point. I had no clue what I was going to
do. Should I move back home? Stay where I was? I had made the decision to pick up my whole life and move to start a new life with someone whom I thought I knew. I felt like a failure. Everything I had hoped and planned for fell apart. The anxiety and depression I
felt simultaneously was unnerving. I knew I needed
to figure out coping strategies ASAP.
I relied on the support of
my family, friends, and my church to help me through this trial I was
experiencing. I felt so grateful to have
such an amazing support system both back home and here in my new city. Being
away from my family and best friends back home was extremely hard. My sisters, family, and friends back home encouraged and supported me daily from afar sending me devotions, quotes, scriptures, and calling and face timing with me. The friends I made here were also super supportive. They made sure I was not alone and always had something to do to keep my mind occupied. We went to church together, bible study, dinners, anything to make sure I was alright and staying busy. My mind was
telling me to run home and forget I ever moved here. But something inside of me
was telling me not to do it, to fight through this adversity. In my heart, I
felt there was a reason God had me move here. It was apparent it wasn't
for the initial reason I thought. I decided to stay still and work on healing
before making any more big life decisions. A pivotal point for me was one day seeing and hearing the phrase "Be Still" three times in one day. God was speaking to me. It was time to let him take the wheel and for me to be patient and wait.
Diving deep into the word,
journaling, reading, and praying became part of my daily routine. I also
started boxing classes which really helped relieve a lot of built up anger I
was feeling! I started to fix my focus and challenge myself to start thinking
about all of the blessings and positivity in my life rather than the hardships
and uncertainty I was facing. This led me to starting a gratitude journal where
every night I would write at least five things I was grateful for that day. At
this point, it was all about me and working on myself in order to gracefully
get through this. Going to church every Sunday and meeting with my bible group
each week served as a place of peace and serenity to me throughout all of this
mayhem.
Back then, I was too blind
to see the reality of my situation. We were two completely different people who
valued different things in life. We lacked the fundamental values of a
relationship: communication, compromise, commitment, and conflict
resolution. After being removed from the situation, it was finally made clear to me that we were not compatible for one another and would have never worked in a sacred union, like marriage.
Sometimes in life the hardest lessons to learn are the ones our spirit needs the most. I do not look
at my past as a mistake, because I can truly say I have learned from it. What
happened to me last year may have been one of the most painful parts
of my life thus far. However focusing on my pain never allowed me to see the
purpose of it. I know that with my coping strategies, a strong faith, and a good
solid support system I was able to persevere and overcome the pain. Our
blessings come from the tests we endure and I am proud to say I passed this
test.
I know understand why God had me go through such a difficult experience. I realize that God placed a certain person in my life at that time he
needed to be there in order to help me grow and move past my comfort zone. I am proud of my growth and my willingness to make a change
outside of everything I have ever known. Most importantly, because of my former
partner, my baby sister met her soul mate and they were happily married and now have a beautiful baby girl. I love my sister more than anything in this world. If I had to suffer
and go through heart ache in order for her to have found the perfect match and to bring her the joy having a little girl, it
justifies the hurt to see the bliss and blessings my sister has received.
Throughout this trial in my life, I recognized that forgiveness is about changing your mind and your heart. It is a renewal of the mind. Sometimes it could take years for your heart and your head to come to terms. There are two parts of forgiveness: the cognitive and affective part. I
was verbally able to say I forgive in the beginning. With time I was eventually able to feel in my heart to forgive for what was done to me. Holding onto those feelings of anger and resentment, was only hurting me. I finally realized that I could not receive what God was trying to give me until I released what I was holding on to.
I have learned that I cannot let my past interfere with my ability to trust myself. Being vulnerable is scary. I took a leap of faith and it did not work out. However instead of looking at my situation as a setback, I am now looking it at as a set up to move forward. I know there is life beyond my past and my greatest days are ahead of me.
Everything that God allowed to come my way during that time in my life always had a purpose. He used my greatest and deepest pain to mold me into the person He created me to be. Romans 8:18 was one of the many scriptures I held near to my heart. "the pain you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming."
I have learned that I cannot let my past interfere with my ability to trust myself. Being vulnerable is scary. I took a leap of faith and it did not work out. However instead of looking at my situation as a setback, I am now looking it at as a set up to move forward. I know there is life beyond my past and my greatest days are ahead of me.
Everything that God allowed to come my way during that time in my life always had a purpose. He used my greatest and deepest pain to mold me into the person He created me to be. Romans 8:18 was one of the many scriptures I held near to my heart. "the pain you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming."
My decisions in life have
taken me places I never intended to go. However every ounce of hurt I endured
during my journey, is setting me up for future happiness. I truly believe that
happiness is being the right person, not finding the right person. I can honestly say I am the happiest I have been in a very long time.
God's timing is truly perfect. God knew what I needed and when I needed it. Waiting on His timing was not just about what I would get at the end of the wait, but about who I would become as I wait. My journey to becoming the woman God intends me to be has required courage, faith, and above everything the willingness to grow and let go. My emotional wounds have healed and the scars I have are proof that although I have been hurt, these scars represent my faith, focus, and future.
God's timing is truly perfect. God knew what I needed and when I needed it. Waiting on His timing was not just about what I would get at the end of the wait, but about who I would become as I wait. My journey to becoming the woman God intends me to be has required courage, faith, and above everything the willingness to grow and let go. My emotional wounds have healed and the scars I have are proof that although I have been hurt, these scars represent my faith, focus, and future.
When I sit here and reflect about the past year, I would have never thought my life would be where it is today. I have always believed that life was the best teacher and that our experiences shape who we are. My favorite pastor, Joyce Meyer, said it best, "We live life forward, but understand it backwards." Looking back on the past year, I now have a better understanding of why God had me go through what I did.
